Change. It is often so difficult, heartbreaking at times, essential, and a certainty for all life on earth. I learned to fear and even hate change as a child. I have a very early memory of crying in my mom’s arms as a toddler at the thought of her looking like my grandmother. It was scary to think of her aging to the point she would look nothing like the beautiful young mom who was gently soothing me at that moment.
I couldn’t stop that change from happening. My mom passed away just four weeks ago. This comes on the heels of selling a home, getting married, and moving across the country eight months ago. I also became a new father just six months ago. And I started a new contract position that may only last a year. Change – uncertainty – change – uncertainty…my mind is in this loop right now.
We moved to New Jersey to be closer to extended family and decided to rent at first before we committed to an area. After being in New Jersey for over eight months, we feel that moving to the state was a terrible decision. Prior to landing here, I had been blessed to live in states with great natural beauty and expansive wilderness – California, Hawaii, and Idaho. New Jersey is congested, polluted, and rundown. The drivers on the road aren’t rude, they’re just crazy. I don’t live my life with that kind of energy. If anything, I’m a soul surfer type and spiritual seeker. That part of my being is lost at the moment looking for oxygen.
We made this change with the best information we had and spent a year debating it together. Ultimately, we wanted our baby to be born near extended family for support and have a chance to enjoy holidays with loved ones instead of miscellaneous acquaintances.
Despite our best intentions, the move hasn’t worked out anywhere near our hopes and there have been plenty of tears around that realization. We unintentionally downgraded our quality of living by making this move and didn’t realize how painful it would be to have a landlord again after years of home ownership. This has to be one of the hardest changes of all to go through – one that uproots your life with the hope/belief you will improve your life. And it doesn’t work out.
I’m not writing to vent. My intention is to share my experience openly and the tools I’m relying on to support myself and my family as we work through this challenging season in life.
#1 Own the blessings: I told my wife it was a huge risk for me to leave my job and enter a market where I had zero connections at my age (I’m in my fifties). Ageism is very real in the American workplace. To my delight, however, I interviewed for and was awarded a consulting job with a local nonprofit named Fulfill Food Bank. The people are wonderful, the pay is good, and I love the work I’m doing more than I have in many years. Further, the facility is only a ten-minute drive from the house. The job is hybrid and designed to be 30 hours or less per week. It is absolutely perfect for me as a new dad. 
When something turns out better than you could have scripted or designed yourself, you’re experiencing the work of a higher power in your life. Blessings like this are a reminder that you are not a random particle of energy bouncing through an apathetic universe. You are guided, protected, and assisted by forces you cannot see or understand.
#2 Self-care: The emotional toll from all of the changes I’m going through is compounded by sleep deprivation, which is a natural part of raising a newborn. The stress and lack of sleep together are very punishing to the physical body and have brought on feelings of depression as well as anxiety. My diet, which is usually really disciplined, fell apart. Pizza, sweets, and tons of carby comfort food have defined my weekly menu for months. This is when your body needs care and optimal nutrition to keep from breaking down. Poor diet impacts the brain as well contributing to feelings of fatigue and depression.
I got back on track with a manageable shift that focused on breakfast. No more egg and cheese
sandwiches from the coffee shop. I began to make my green smoothies again that are made with fresh spinach, broccoli, almond milk, and a scoop or two of organic protein powder. A daily multi-vitamin is taken with the smoothie. A little later we created a daily dinner menu to follow to make sure we’re eating lots of veggies and lean protein nearly every night. No more dining out or takeout food for a while.
Workouts had fallen to two days a week from at least four days a week prior to the move and our baby being born. I was only getting exercise on the weekends and not gaining any of the mental or physical benefits during the work week when I really need them. That’s when most of us need exercise to decompress, release stuck energy from stress, and revitalize ourselves. I’m now working out on Wednesdays and Thursdays as well as the weekend.
#3 Get support: We moved to get closer to extended family and while we have enjoyed that connection to an extent, they cannot come close to providing the support we need emotionally or strategically to solve our problems. I’ve reached out for individual counseling, and we just scheduled our first marriage counseling session. We are overwhelmed and understand we need assistance from professionals whose skillset will bolster our mental health. A counselor will be able to expertly support us through the next set of decisions we need to make to get our lives to a better place, which likely means another move and more upheaval.
#4 Create Rituals: I learned this strategy during my first major life change after college, which was leaving a hard-charging entrepreneurial life (the rat race) in San Francisco for the slow island life on Kauai. I didn’t know anyone when I landed there. The rituals I developed brought order to my psyche that was experiencing culture shock. I showed up to the same coffee shop every morning and grabbed a beer at the same bar several times a week. It didn’t take long to make friends with the staff who eventually turned into my first social connections. Quickly, I had something to look forward to visiting those spots.
I’m enjoying a ritual right now as I write this at my favorite coffee shop in Asbury Park, New Jersey called Booskerdoo. I love the staff, and we have good conversations while my coffee is brewed and sometimes long after I’m served my favorite roast. I wake up and look forward to coming here. That’s a powerful emotional anchor in what often feels like a sea of uncertainty my wife and I are drifting through at this time. Other rituals of mine: Get up early each day at the same time (5:30AM is my time), drink 20 ounces of water with lemon, stretch, journal, pray, meditate, commune with my wife and baby over breakfast, take a daily ice cold shower or shower at night with candles, and workout at least four times per week.
#5 One Day at a Time
When I arrived on campus as a freshmen at UC Berkeley to start my coursework in the architecture program and my journey as a Division I athlete with the football team, I found myself truly overwhelmed for the first time in my life. During the first month of college, everyone told me to quit both football and school. My coach told me to quit the architecture program, and my advisor at the architecture program told me I’d never graduate if I continued to play football. Practices were so violent and so fast compared to very tame game I had played in prep school. Each day for that first month on campus I couldn’t eat my lunch without feeling like I was going to throw up due to nerves. However, my head coach Bruce Snyder was working day in and day out to drill a specific mindset within the team to elevate our focus. He created a mantra: One Day at a Time. He had t-shirts and hats printed with it. I bought in and hung onto that strategy for my entire freshmen year until I acclimated to both the demands of my academic program and often brutal grind of a Division I athlete’s life. As an end note to this – I played all four years and graduated on time with my degree in architecture. Getting it done one day at a time.
This mantra is printed on a sheet of paper and taped to our refrigerator door right now. My wife and I say it to each other on a daily basis. Navy Seals call this a micro-goal and it is one of their techniques to make it through extremely stressful periods of time. It works.
We all have the capacity to handle incredible challenges and overcome what look like seemingly insurmountable obstacles to make changes that we need to. My wife and I are still right in the middle of this huge change, but we are approaching it consciously now, focusing on our health, and working on our mindset. I feel really optimistic about leaving this rental at the end of our lease in three months for a better standard of living. Yeah, we have no idea where our next place will be and we have to pack up a full house again. But we have gained real strength from the steps I shared and we are going to make this journey a successful adventure.
